Sorry for any typos, written in a fit of rage and confusion.

I feel the same way. I met a guy a few weeks ago who seems perfect for me! We've only chatted twice but so far he seems like exactly what I've been looking for. A few days ago though, I hooked up with an ex as a one last rendezvous type of thing, and I'm already getting itching and burning sensations. I know the feeling because I get cold sores. I feel lower than low right now :-( If I had ignored my ex, the only thing I'd have to worry about with this new guy is my cold sores, which to most people isn't as big of a deal but is still sort of scary. If things do continue to go well, I have to tell him I have herpes in both locations?! How mortifying! I've been thinking about just being friends with this guy, also. Having this problem makes me feel like I don't deserve him. He's wonderful! And me... I have anxiety disorders, herpes, and no real passions for anything. Who the hell is going to want to stick around for that?

But... one of the first stories I read when I realized I was getting a herpes outbreak on my genitals was from a girl who used herpes to weed out the bad guys from the good. The ones who just wanted to hook up, ran for the hills. She saw it as a blessing. She no longer was wasting time with guys who pretended to be interested but only wanted one thing. Until finally, she met a guy who when she told him she had herpes, responded with, "you're worth the risk". My point is, as much as we want to run from people to keep them from this, ultimately it should be up to them whether they want to take that risk or not. If he's a good guy and he really is in to you, you'll be "worth the risk" to him. That's how I plan on finding out if there's a future with my new guy. If things continue to go well and he tells me I'm worth the risk, I know I've found a keeper. I don't want to miss that opportunity, even if it means I could pass it to him, if he's willing to take the risk, I would rather have love than live in self-loathing. We're people. We have herpes, but we are not the virus, we just have it. We have a right to happiness just like anyone else.

If you get cold sores, you should definitely tell him before you guys kiss. But if it's HSV1 of the genitals, then definitely before you have sex. Go on a few more dates before things get too intimate, make sure you guys are really compatible and you can see yourselves together. I don't think you should run away or just blow him off because of this though. You never know what chance you might be throwing away. And hey, from my reading I've seen that 1 out of every 5 or 6 people has some form of herpes, and 50% of Americans are said to get herpes at some point in their lives, so ya never know, maybe he already has it too?

As bad as it is to wish this on anyone, a part of me has secretly been wishing that this new guy perhaps has herpes already and so that when I tell him, he won't run for the hills but rather will be able to give us a chance! I know, I know, very selfish of me, but this is the one place I feel that I can speak my mind without being judged. After all, I live the rest of my day, watching what I say and having to hide so much.

As far as kissing him, no, I will not. He has already tried to kiss me (doesn't help that my lips have always been full and kissable - sorry not being conceited, just stating a reality that only makes this that much more difficult for me), but I pulled away. I have vowed to myself to avoid those situations where we get to kiss for I never want this nice man to go through what I am going through. I also would never forgive myself for knowing that he was sick because of me!! So it is sad to know that my Ex, intentionally gave this to me, what kind of a person does that? When I shared with him the diagnostic, I told him it was in the hope that he will take care of himself, go get tested and start making better choices, but that fell on deaf ears and I figured it was best to work on me and cut off all ties with that disease spreading, pathological lying devil! Sorry, my anger still surfaces when I think of that man!!!

As for this new guy, I will take every step to protect him from this and at this point, including walking away. I do however hear your advice and hope that someday I will allow myself to live rather than run from a chance for true happiness. Thank you.

It is nice to hear you are not being selfish like your ex,, trust me I know the hatred for the ex due to them doing this on purpose, mine did the same,, They are evil ppl,, ppl who I never want to be like. I was kinda seeing someone when I finally stopped being in denial and went to the dr's, In fear of giving this to her I ended it, being new I have no clue how to say I have it. Her and I are still friends and talk, so maybe in time it will work. I know I never want to give this to someone else, even if I tell them and they say it is ok , I'm worth the risk.

Ugh, I share the same concern about ruining another's life. I just would never be able to live with myself and this is why a part of me is ready to remain celibate if it comes to that and just stick to being friends. At times the best relationships are those that are not always sexual in nature. I know that outlook is not shared by all, but this thing has allowed me to begin to refocus my attention towards my career, health and diet, myself and overall just things outside of sex or being naive and able to be taken advantage of by the cheaters out there. I look forward to the day when I will post on here that I have succeeded at moving forward and let go of the anger. Thanks to supporters like yourself, I think that will come sooner than later. Thanks again.

Your welcome :-)

Happy to find this post. I have been feeling the exact same way. I am dating a Doctor and how the hell can you tell them you have this! They are the ones who tell you. We have gone out about 5 times and I know he wants to take it to the next level. Every time we get together he starts to kiss me and things get heated up, but I know I can't do anything and its the worst. I don't ever feel like I can be sexy and wanted again. I tried to feel that way and only got me into trouble. I couldn't beat the man off of me with a stick. He wanted to go down on me which is my FAVORTIE thing in the world, but when you are in the moment it's too awkward to say anything. I obviously did not have an outbreak and it didn't get too crazy, but I am so fucking paranoid he has it now and will hate me for saying nothing. I KNOW IT WASN'T RIGHT, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I haven't been touched or felt wanted in so long I wanted to cry. I feel like there is too much tempting for me and feel like I deserve no one. Thinking it will be easier to live alone. No explaining and no spreading. This is just one more reason why no one would want to be with me. I am on medicine and my outbreaks are never really that bad just really itchy. I'm dealing with it myself so much better than before, but still so lost, sad, and confused. Answers and to options!? PLEASE.

I think you need to tell him,even if you say you just found out, he needs to know, I got this from a girl who never told me, and it isn't fun, not any part of it,, the betrayal, the new diagnoses , none of it.As much as most of us like oral, do you want him to have to go to work with this all over his mouth ? You do know that you don't need an outbreak to spread this ?
I hope you make the correct decision and let him know,being a Dr he should know a lot about this and be able to make a rational decision

@Jlh, thanks for sharing and I have to agree with ugh, simply because I have been on the receiving end and Ugh will tell you (I have reached out to him alot and actually I am glad to see that he has reached out to you already), I am very much still battling this. I have had to cut off all ties with my ex, for fear of where my anger would lead me. I have never in my life hated someone so much for taking away what used to be a far less complicated life. Now I am forever on some form of medication, not to mention having to make multiple adjustments in order to live with this. I sincerely feel your pain and worry about never having to experience love again, but if you read a number of the posts on here, many will share with you their own experiences and what they have found through research. I think we have all become some R&D gurus ever since being diagnosed, :-). Bottom line is that yes it sucks, and I can relate because recently it felt so good to be held again, by Mr. Hot tall Indian Guy, to be able to get all dolled up again after finally picking back up with my fitness and diet, to have someone tell me how beautiful I was, but it was tough to have to push him away when things got heated and so, my advice to myself is "to Avoid putting myself in situations such as those where I would be tempted and possibly faced with making a risky move". The fear of putting someone through what I am going through outweighs the desire to be held or the desire for intimacy with another. I have learned to turn to others for other forms of friendship outside sex and to turn to myself for sexual gratification - at least then I know I am 100% safe and so are others. Sad and lonely, yes, but at least it is best for now. When I am ready to date, there are sites where you can date people with Herpes, so all is not lost. Statistically too, it may be that more people have herpes than they care to share, you must at least give them the benefit of making the choice to either take that risk or not to. Please do not take that away from them. I had that choice taken away from me and I will tell you, it is/was not nice. So that is why I struggle so much with this new guy and I am ready to walk or at least stay away until that time that I am ready to face him with the truth of what I have and what he could be in for, Oral HSV1! I want him to have that knowledge so that he can at least make an informed choice, he deserves, that, everybody deserves that, I deserved it, but I did not get it.

I am not sure if your doctor friend now has the disease. The least that you can do is keep him from unknowingly transmitting it to another. Let him know, even if it is to let him know that you just found out. I hate to suggest that you lie to him about when you knew, I am just suggesting that at the very least let him know and urge him to get tested. Good luck and please let us know how it goes. I will share too, what happens with Mr. Hot tall, Indian Guy. I am not ready to have the talk with him yet and because of it, I am trying to stay away to avoid putting him at risk. Luckily for me, our schedules are very busy so that helps keep us away from each other. I like him and will not mind having him just as a friend if it comes to that. I just refuse to take away his choice or knowingly put him through what I am going through. I was so paranoid the last time we went out that I would not let him drink from my glass, and refused to kiss him when he came in for that kiss. I just could not do it. I have learned that unless you can exercise a great amount of restraint, it may perhaps be best to stay away. Good luck to you. We are here for you, just please do the right thing. It is harder said than done yes, but I just would hate this on anyone, so please don't become one of those that knowingly ruin anothers life for the merely pleasure of a few minutes of hot, sex with someone you are attracted to, but could be putting at risk. I am speaking as someone who was on the receiving end and never got that chance to make an informed decision :-(.

I felt like I could speak openly here. kind of feeling not attacked, but personally shitty for the choices I made. I don't know who gave it to me and I hate that because I can't approach them about it. I never want to be that person, but feel I already have been. Think I will just live alone. Thanks for the rapid response. Sorry I suck.

Oooh Jlh,
I am sorry, I never meant to make you feel like shit. I was just sharing how I felt, especially being on the receiving end, for after all the whole idea of support is taking both the good and the bad. I would not be offering true support if I simply mentioned what you wanted to hear. I will email you privately, please read my message.

It really depends on the person... I read a testimonial from a girl who's BF told her he was HSV+, and it didn't bother her at all, she continued to date him and contracted the virus... then she cared. Still stayed with her partner and still loved him, but every once in a while felt depressed, gross, and upset. But another person who contracted the virus from his/her partner after knowing the risk wasn't upset about it, didn't think the virus was a big deal, and figured they'd be together for the rest of their lives anyway, so it didn't really matter. So again, I say let this person decide for himself!