Looking up and ahead. <3

There are many lessons to be learned in life. But I never thought that one of those lessons would stem from my herpes diagnosis. I've only known of my herpes since January 17, 2012. As strange as it may sound, my diagnosis taught me about relationships, and about love, from others and from myself. I have always struggled with self-esteem issues in my life. I've never been able to truly love who I am. I was just getting to the point in my life where I thought it would be possible, where I could be proud of the "me" that I am. And, that's when I received my diagnosis, and I felt all that slipping away... How could I love a self that had herpes? How could I be proud of that? This past month has led to tonight, a night of reflection and meditation and dare I say the slightest glimmer of appreciation. I won't say appreciation of the herpes itself, but of the lessons it has taught me.

Everything in our lives comes for a reason. And, it is my firm belief that every person, situation, memory, and thought that we come across is meant to make us better people and to show us another little piece of the people we were meant to be. And, like it or not, herpes is a part of that now. Even the nicest puzzles, the most glamorous, have their frayed edges, and that is what herpes is, a frayed edge. But, it is only that, a small part.

I've realized that my herpes diagnosis doesn't change everything I was before or can be in the future. But, it's my responsibility to let it be that way. I'm not going to treat herpes any different than I would any other diagnosis I have received. It's a diagnosis, not a life sentence. A piece of me, the real me, the whole me. But, I am still me and I always will be.

Having herpes has made me hate myself in some moments. But with the help of this site, and the people I love and trust, I am learning more than ever before to love myself in spite of my flaws. My advice to anyone in this situation is to find one person or a few to be your support system, they really do make a difference. My support system has lifted me up and out of bed when I felt like the whole world knew my secret and I just wanted to hide in shame. They held my head high when I couldn't.

My boyfriend has never proven so much love as he has in this situation. My first reaction was to accuse him of cheating. Even though I knew in my heart that he didn't. My doctor explained this to me as well. He took it all though. And he never acted like it was my fault. He holds me when I need to cry. He still looks at me like I'm beautiful, outbreak or not. He still wants me in every way he used to. We use protection but I've become so scared to be intimate because I don't want him living with this if he doesn't have to. There's always a risk, and I told him that. But he said that he's willing to take it. He told me that he knows he wants to be with me forever, and that this isn't going to change that. He said he doesn't want to live life in fear of it. He's accepted that he might get it, and he's okay with it. We've never wanted a future more. As crazy as it sounds, HSV has helped us to communicate. About intimacy, about love, and about passion more than we had before.

My mother was actually the first person I told. And, I've never made a better decision. She's my best friend in this world. And I couldn't do this without her.

My message today is one of hope. In the moments that HSV seems unbearable, seems like the only thing defining you, take a minute and look inside to see what else is in that beautiful heart and soul of yours. No matter how you contracted it or from whom, HSV will undoubtedly change your life. But the change will only be negative if you let it. Learn from HSV, learn about you and the people around you. Instead of being ashamed of it, let it make you a better you.

By no means are my bad days and struggles over, by no means am i done shedding tears, but this is a message to myself and everyone else, that this is not the end. That there is hope. That we are beautiful people with more than HSV to offer the world. We are better, stronger people, for what we live with everyday.